Im at strip club and am horny
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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