I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Drunk is not a location!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
