Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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