i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
