only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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