I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
