For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
