Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just invented taco cereal.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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