Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
