last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
