I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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