After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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