Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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