wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
