Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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