one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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