worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize