I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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