In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
