my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
