I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize