im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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