all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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