so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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