My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
