i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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