You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's rum buckets o'clock
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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