I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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