my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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