Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
