Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
