Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
