he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
