it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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