apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
