I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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