I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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