You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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