Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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