You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
