I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Text me some of your sweat
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize