a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
