Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
