You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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