Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
