i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
