so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
