So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
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