Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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