Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
