True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
