I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
