i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
