I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
