I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
