I puked a lego.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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